did you realize? you have the most beautiful face!

(by the flaming lips, a song i haven't listened to since high school probably)

Coffee + studio time = :)

video installation= 80%

elevators= 55%

hehe

tracks. (2)

WAIT YOU KNOW WHAT. i'm not done.

you know what freaking sucks. i hate how i make myself find justification for art. when was it that making art for art's sake wasn't enough?? why isn't self-gratification not enough?

because it isn't enough.. not for me anyways. i can't make art based off of some faraway philosophical inkling that doesn't offer a useful perspective. i don't want to make something that needs to be protected by the gallery space, by the label of "culture" or "high Art" with a capital A because some art theorist in the 1950s determined it so. i don't want to make something that is contained within itself. i don't want to make something that disappears the moment the viewer blinks. 

i want to make something that is alive. that moves and interacts, that can die and be reborn. and i want it to open people's eyes. i want to make people see the true nature in things, and that everything in this world is essentially free. and that people can always be free. 

seriously, most people don't understand how hard art can be. it can be so much about problem solving. 

tracks.

i have four more weeks until i have to install my work for our second crit and i have so much left to do and to figure out and to experiment.

first of all, the electronics still aren't working. i really don't understand how this is possible because i've seriously been working on it for weeks. i'm not sure if i'm just an idiot.. or if i'm just an idiot. i've probably gone back to the electronics store about four times to get it fixed. but, somehow, something comes loose, or i record the wrong connections, but SOMETHING always goes wrong. i don't know what it is, or else i would've fixed it.. 

secondly, i still haven't learned all of the skills in metal fabrication to make what i want. i will, i guess, but not yet. let alone practicing. and i've heard that precision is something that is very difficult to achieve in metal working, and is yet something necessary to what i'm crafting. 

i'm trying to keep this tenacity, stubbornness even, to  keep going, but amongst all my blindsightedness about this project, it is still laced with this kind of fear of what if it just sucks. if my installation won't express what i want it to, if people just see it just as some stupid carts going up and down (which is really, essentially, what it is), if it isn't interesting enough to withstand a short attention span.. 

but i really cannot think about it like that. just gotta do it. do it do it do it. 

think big, be tenacious. every work is your most ambitious. 

(i feel like i'm getting wrinkles)

a revival in the fall

okay, so i kind of just let this go for a while.

school has started, and the warm summer days are gradually cooling down. i can't wait for the leaves to start changing color, to take out my coats and my scarves and some thick socks.

its been.. i don't even know.

it has been one crazy year.

but basically here i am again, all settled in this familiar place, and i can't put my finger on how things have changed, or how i have changed. i've gone from place to place, country to country.. my body has traveled, my mind has roamed... i've gone through so many moods, so many obstacles, cathedrals and mountains, islands and countrysides, so many challenges that threatened to take me down.. so many moments that filled my vision with chasing light and freedom.. so many memories that have since become a construction of a haven in the back of my mind..

and i have this feeling that i can't stop running.

though i have neglected this blog, i've been religiously recording my travels in a journal. fabricated by hand, this journal is worn and coverless, its pages bending this way and that way.. an active relic of a time passed. here is an excerpt:

it's hot in Paris tonight,

and it's raining

so hard.

I feel warm right through

this loose blouse.

you see, today, there is a rainforest of flies inside of me

and a cliff upon which I am

a tightrope dancer.

and in this night, through the fear between the line and my toe,

i dream of an impossible fantasy on solid ground,

a memory of dappled raindrops

copper colored and gold

projected, lining your face and burning

underneath the street lamp

you will be my comfort.

my illusory shelter from the fall

an open window

to a thunderstorm summer.