Monday, November 9, 2009

la felicita

so, i'm supposed to be writing my rough draft for a paper..




my eyes are so bad that when i close them, i see a print of the world lingering on the back of my eyelids. sometimes it feels as though this copy may be clearer than its original.

somehow by coincidence, both my chinese and english names mean "happiness". but you see, i waver, all the time. i ask myself, what do i have to be unhappy about? and i'm not sure what is more frightening, the fact that i have nothing to say, or its implication...

dissatisfaction. the root of my difficulties and ignorance. wealth is not measured by how much you have, but by how much you don't need. and oh how independent i think i am sometimes, until i enter this cycle of going to bed feeling like *this* and waking up still feeling like *this* and it feels as though the days all become this one giant day strung together with dragging feet and periodic naps. why do i always feel this heavy weight on my shoulders, when i have so little to bear?

on the other hand, i can be so happy sometimes. when i feel like i don't need nothin' and it's just me and this big, beautiful world. there will be days when all the leaves from the trees fall at the same time, and all of a sudden this space, this space that i pass through every day is activated through the unfurling of leaves in their own signature descent back to the earth. the most beautiful thing ever. and i feel like i am so filled with love, there isn't anything out there i'd want.


but my point is, i guess, i just can't decide what kind of beast i am.



rabbia, stuppore, la parte, l'attore
dottore, che sintomi ha la felicita?



1 comment:

Josh said...

Sometimes, I get the sneaking suspicion that it's better to struggle, to fight, to have something to make each breath not just a mere necessity, but a statement that you are indeed alive.

Life right now is one long Jack Johnson song and, I must admit, I like it that way. Yet, sometimes I secretly wish I still shook my fist at the stars; now, when I look up, all I can see is their beauty and in some strange, ineffable way, it's almost sad. But then the ocean breeze picks up again and I forget...